conflicted

so i have to go back to work next wednesday.

i can't believe how quickly the weeks have flown by. it doesn't seem like sam is that old, and yet at the same time, i feel like we've had sam for a lot longer than seven weeks. of course, since his hair is getting so long and mullety and because he weighs a ton ... clearly we've had him for a bit.

thinking about going back to work, at first i think i was like 14% excited. after all, there is more to me and i am good at doing things besides just being sam's mom. i'm good at my job (at least my boss says so) and i like my coworkers, so it's not a heinous thing to go back to work. so i thought i would be okay. i don't see myself as the stay-at-home mom type. and i don't see myself as the type that would get too sentimental about going back to work either. it's not like i'm not going to see sam ever again right?

whatEV. i am completely emo about the whole thing. i cried yesterday thinking about leaving sam. i know that hide and my mom will do a great job looking after him during the day, but it's my KID. he's just starting to get fun, smiling socially (as opposed to responding to his neverending gas) and staying awake longer than just for eating purposes and i feel like i am going to miss out on so much. he changes so much every day. one day, his legs are fatter. the next day, his head is bigger (how this is possible, i am not sure). and now, i am going to miss it.

i know i'm not experiencing what other moms have also experienced, so if people have feedback (namely coping mechanisms), i'd love to hear it. i just feel crummy and grabby about sam right now. plus, certain pain-in-the-ass kids best not get in my face when i go back into the office, or i will backhand someone. i do NOT want to hear whining about unfair grading or how i need to ____ for them. i will go feral.

rawr.