my personal fight club

spoiler warning: if you haven't seen fight club ... well, where have you been? even i've seen it, and that's saying something for the girl who hasn't seen any movies after "the devil wears prada."

so in this weird place where i have an ending to my current job but no new job in sight, i find myself feeling stuck most days. sometimes, i repress well and i seem to be managing a-ok. i remind myself that the Lord is in control and that things are going to turn out for the best. these are my edward norton moments.

then there are the moments where i feel total and complete panic. like last night. i just remembered that i hadn't applied to the palo alto district and found that i am a little behind in the process to make the first round of interviews on march 24. mind, i don't even know that i want to teach there, but i totally panicked. i thought about staying up all night to finish it (even though i don't have any completed letters of rec yet) and blowing off all my grading. i thought about cleaning the house. and then i thought about the assload of things i have to do this week. field trip. chaperone MORP (horrors). go to a job fair. finish grading outlines. beyond books. and i was so totally overwhelmed that i couldn't sleep.

and these are my fight club moments. where more than fighting the Lord on this process that is hard and uncomfortable for me -- i'm fighting myself. my high strung, mostly neurotic, control freak self that wants to FIX! SECURE! TIE DOWN! BOX! PACKAGE! COMPLETE! and i know that isn't the way the Lord wants me to operate. and it is so hard to put the pen down, turn off the computer and weep small type a tears and go to bed.

it's hard to fight yourself. worse yet, i don't know which part of me is winning.