so now that i am 0 for 3, and have just gotten the boot from my own alma mater, i'm feeling a little blue around the gills. with yale and ucla, it bothered me to be rejected, but not a fraction as much as cal's rejection bothers me. it's really been an eye-opening opportunity for me to wrestle with my inner demons. even just this morning, as i was driving to work, just dialoguing with my God, and being honest about my hurt, and trying to get my heart to move to a place where i don't just intellectually know but really KNOW that He withholds no blessings from me ... this is tough. really tough. it's hard for me to believe that what i want in this case (graduate school) is not what He wants for me, and that it's got nothing to do with being too stupid for graduate school ... wow. He is very not done with me yet.

brea was telling me yesterday ... "praise the Lord, because He is leading you." and i know she's right ... but i'm upset that He is not leading me where _i_ want to go. and it's tough to be broken in that way ... i mean really. what do you mean the world doesn't revolve around me and my needs?

i know in the grand scheme of things, this barely blips on the radar. but i have to say that right now ... it is hard for me to accept. and i hope people will be patient with me as i work through and wrestle with this. it's a new place for me ... hitting an academic ceiling. but i'm glad He's not done with me yet.